Hulk. Smash.

I’m sure I’ve posted about this before, but I forget and it happens to be on my mind right now.  One of many things on my mind right now.

Before my mom died, I was pretty cold.  Cold in that emotional triggers didn’t effect me that much.  Inspirational music, sad scenes in movies, triumphant successes, random acts of kindness, etc.  I’m realizing now that it’s because I had to be cold.  I had to be hard.  For my mom.  And for me, to handle my mom.  I basically watched her get worse and worse, and die over the span of about 10 years.  In order to cope with that, I shut off a lot of my emotions.

9/11 hit me pretty hard, but it hit everyone pretty hard.  I think that was the only exception.

Until she died.

When she died, all my walls, all my pushing down of emotions, all my caring that I hid away deep inside just exploded out of me.  Now, almost 4 years later, I still have trouble holding things in.  I don’t think I properly learned how to cope with this stuff.  I got more used to having it turned off, that now that it’s on, it’s sometimes overwhelming.

I play it off pretty well for the most part, but sometimes I just can’t.


Something I don’t think I’ve posted about before, is the other stuff that’s pent up inside me.  Rage, anger, vengeance.  It’s all in there.  That stuff I’ve been able to keep down.  It’s rare that any of it comes out.  It’s probably not good for me to do that with that stuff, but like with the above, I never really learned how to deal with it.  Luckily it takes a LOT to crack into that.  I have more patience than I should.