It’s still so hard

Coming up on 4 years. I don’t remember last year being quite as hard as it is this year. Why? What’s so different about year 4?

It’s daily this time. By daily, I mean nightly. Every night it hits me. Most days too. I’ve gotten through a couple days, not consecutively mind you, without being struck with sadness but then night time rolls around and it pours on.

I finally talked to D about it. She kinda brought it up and I didn’t hide it like I usually do.

As happy as I am with my life, there’s a big hole that I keep hidden away as best I can. Since I never really learned how to deal with these types of emotions properly, that’s the best thing I can do. Hide them. I used to be great at that but it got harder when she passed.

I inadvertently accepted a meeting on the anniversary. It’s an important meeting too. At first when I realized it, I felt like shit and wanted to ask the organizer to reschedule it. Then it struck me, my mom would tell me I don’t have to take the whole day for her. I have my thing I do for her anniversary, and that’s enough for her. She was selfless like that when it came to me. So, I’ll keep the meeting, but make it a half day.